for a while now i've been having lots of issues with mental health (terrible eating habits, suicidal thoughts, unhealthy fixation on sibling figures) and i really want to seek help because i know i need it but i'm afraid to do so because the stigma against mental illness in my country is very, very strong. i'm hoping that once i'm a graduate student i'll be able to get a scholarship abroad somewhere more accepting, but i just don't know what to do in the meantime.

i'm also worried because all this stuff is hurting my grades which i can't have because no grades = no scholarship = never getting out of this hellhole

and idk i just dont know what to do anymore i'm in a constant state of "yea i mean if i died now i'd be okay with it" and its just. ugh