My mom and dad don't get along. At this point they're living together for the sake of convenience with bills and the house is under both their names. My dad is an extremely jealous person and my mom works long hours as a supervisor and likes to hang out with her friends. Today she went out to a birthday party at a friend's house after work and then came home, picked me up and bought me dinner while she had coffee. Extremely innocent, no? Well my dad basically assumes that whenever she is out, she's with a guy. On her phone? She's texting a guy. She is not seeing anyone, nor does she any any intention of seeing anyone. If anything, he's the one "cheating" (if you can even call it cheating because while they're still legally married there is absolutely no love or a relationship there) because he will disappear for a couple days and via his history looks up people seeking people ads on Craigslist. Mom doesn't give a shit. She wants him to find someone so he can leave.
He doesn't hit her. He just yells. A lot. Loudly. But here's the very concerning thing. He has a small hand axe in the closet. I'm so afraid one day he's going to go berserk and hurt us.
We're trying so hard to leave the house, but it's hard. I make minimum wage and she makes about double what I do, so we can find a place we can afford quite easily, but we have pets. A lot of pets. We both decided that giving them away isn't an option. Two of them are problem dogs that were rescued and have little to no trust in other people and would be put down by a shelter. My cats are my everything that have gotten me through so much. Most places for rent don't accept animals, and if they do it's one or two. Or they require a deposit PER ANIMAL. About 250/each. We don't have that kind of money saved.
So much of our problems would be solved if my dad would be the one to leave. He has no pets, and on his own he could easily live in a studio or 1 bedroom apartment. He's stubborn and won't leave though.
It's really hard on both of us. We're scared and don't know what to do. We moved out once when I was in high school and he literally stalked us. The neighbours would tell us that a man would poke around the house and on a few occasions go inside. In the end we negotiated with him to move back because it was too much for my mom to keep paying by herself. He didn't keep ANY of the promises he made when we moved back.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can she and I do? Even if I don't get any solutions out of this, it was nice to get this out here.
This is abuse, plain and simple. This is almost exactly what my ex husband did to me, and it ended with me having a .45 loaded, cocked, and aimed at my face when I came home late from work.
It doesn't have to start with physical abuse to lead into it.
http://www.thehotline.org/ That's the main DV source.
http://www.thehotline.org/resources/victims-and-survivors/#tab-id-1 This has a list of local coalitions who can help.
As sad as I am to say this- start with local support first. Cops don't really get involved with domestic disputes unless there's actual violence involved, and don't consider emotional/verbal altercations to actually be abuse. Once you've talked to the groups, it's likely they will give you a plan to take to the cops, and hopefully get this asshole removed for your safety.
I am so sorry you're having to go through this. Be strong!
Do you live in the U.S? If so, there's an absolutely huge amount of government and supportive services available to you. Call 211(nationwide information and resource hotline), go to your local government office, utilize foodshelves, find agencies, etc. etc. There's lots of ways to cushion the impact of losing financial support from your father, especially if it's a dangerous situation for you and your family. They can even help you with rent deposits!
All these things you told us are immense red flags. Please don't jeopardize yourselves by staying with this man, it's only a matter of time before something bad happens =/ Instability, anger issues, stalking, paranoia are an absolutely dangerous combination.
My mom left her physically and mentally abusive husband my senior year of high school. She waited until he had to leave town for business, packed up all our stuff and we moved to a small month-to-month apartment in a not very great area. Our dog had to stay with family friends at first while we saved up for a better spot that allowed pets. It was tough, but the peace of mind was worth the sacrifice.
If you are serious about how he has acted in the past, stalking and so on.. and about your fear regarding the ax... things like dinners out should stop while you save up the funds needed to move.
Depending on the area in which you live, there are organizations that may be able to help with things like the pet deposits.
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anonrising2016-07-10 03:31 pm
Home Problems
(Anonymous) 2016-07-17 05:32 am (UTC)(link)My mom and dad don't get along. At this point they're living together for the sake of convenience with bills and the house is under both their names. My dad is an extremely jealous person and my mom works long hours as a supervisor and likes to hang out with her friends. Today she went out to a birthday party at a friend's house after work and then came home, picked me up and bought me dinner while she had coffee. Extremely innocent, no? Well my dad basically assumes that whenever she is out, she's with a guy. On her phone? She's texting a guy. She is not seeing anyone, nor does she any any intention of seeing anyone. If anything, he's the one "cheating" (if you can even call it cheating because while they're still legally married there is absolutely no love or a relationship there) because he will disappear for a couple days and via his history looks up people seeking people ads on Craigslist. Mom doesn't give a shit. She wants him to find someone so he can leave.
He doesn't hit her. He just yells. A lot. Loudly. But here's the very concerning thing. He has a small hand axe in the closet. I'm so afraid one day he's going to go berserk and hurt us.
We're trying so hard to leave the house, but it's hard. I make minimum wage and she makes about double what I do, so we can find a place we can afford quite easily, but we have pets. A lot of pets. We both decided that giving them away isn't an option. Two of them are problem dogs that were rescued and have little to no trust in other people and would be put down by a shelter. My cats are my everything that have gotten me through so much. Most places for rent don't accept animals, and if they do it's one or two. Or they require a deposit PER ANIMAL. About 250/each. We don't have that kind of money saved.
So much of our problems would be solved if my dad would be the one to leave. He has no pets, and on his own he could easily live in a studio or 1 bedroom apartment. He's stubborn and won't leave though.
It's really hard on both of us. We're scared and don't know what to do. We moved out once when I was in high school and he literally stalked us. The neighbours would tell us that a man would poke around the house and on a few occasions go inside. In the end we negotiated with him to move back because it was too much for my mom to keep paying by herself. He didn't keep ANY of the promises he made when we moved back.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can she and I do? Even if I don't get any solutions out of this, it was nice to get this out here.
Re: Home Problems
(Anonymous) 2016-07-17 06:23 am (UTC)(link)It doesn't have to start with physical abuse to lead into it.
http://www.thehotline.org/ That's the main DV source.
http://www.thehotline.org/resources/victims-and-survivors/#tab-id-1 This has a list of local coalitions who can help.
As sad as I am to say this- start with local support first. Cops don't really get involved with domestic disputes unless there's actual violence involved, and don't consider emotional/verbal altercations to actually be abuse. Once you've talked to the groups, it's likely they will give you a plan to take to the cops, and hopefully get this asshole removed for your safety.
I am so sorry you're having to go through this. Be strong!
Re: Home Problems
(Anonymous) 2016-07-17 12:51 pm (UTC)(link)All these things you told us are immense red flags. Please don't jeopardize yourselves by staying with this man, it's only a matter of time before something bad happens =/ Instability, anger issues, stalking, paranoia are an absolutely dangerous combination.
Re: Home Problems
(Anonymous) 2016-07-20 07:24 pm (UTC)(link)If you are serious about how he has acted in the past, stalking and so on.. and about your fear regarding the ax... things like dinners out should stop while you save up the funds needed to move.
Depending on the area in which you live, there are organizations that may be able to help with things like the pet deposits.