I would absolutely recommend that if you've always asked your boyfriend about this type of thing while you're having sex or about to, that you talk with him at a more emotionally neutral time. He could be feeling super pressured, and that's never fun during sex. Or if you've asked him even not during sex but a lot lately, he could get pressured too. Next time you talk I would recommend asking how you can both ensure that he is having maximum fun during sexytimes. Asking if there is more you can do to/for him sexually is a *subset* of that, and asking how he might have more orgasms is a subset of *that*. So my approach would be to prioritize how to ensure that he's having max fun, next priority being if there's more you can do to/for him that doesn't involve orgasms, and then orgasms.
I say it that way because of my perspective in a similar situation. (My and my husband's situation is not the same as your and your boyfriend's situation, so definitely adjust or ignore my advice as needed.) When my husband (cis m) and I (cis f) have sex, I don't get off, and I am so glad my husband stopped being so insistent on me having orgasms and feeling guilty because he couldn't give them to me. I have been getting much more out of it now that we're on the same page about what I want that doesn't involve orgasms. I do think I want them with him eventually, but sex for us is hard due to a multitude of health problems, some emotional, and my getting off with him is going to require a set of sexytime circumstances is just going to take more effort than we've been willing to put in right now. So I'm much happier with how things are now than trying to push it, and sex with him makes me very afterglowy in a way that is better than my on-my-own-orgasms so I'm definitely not getting nothing out of it.
Your boyfriend may want more orgasms. Or maybe he truly is okay with how things are now. Or maybe he is not okay with how things are now but only because you're unhappy, or because he doesn't want more orgasms but he wants more pleasure in other ways. I really hope that you'll be able to have him tell you clearly which it is so that you can go from there. And I'm focusing a lot on his pleasure - I want you to be happy too, non, and not feel guilty or dread sex! I think that might be helped by both of you getting clearly on the same page through talks not during sex, as well as by you not worrying about getting off as end game condition that must be met, every time for both parties, else you are a terrible girlfriend.
If I were in your situation, "discrepancy between the number of orgasms each party has" wouldn't inherently concern me but I would be concerned with him getting "mumbly", "embarassed", and "ending up" saying that things were fine, so that's why I'm approaching it from the direction of getting on the same page. If my husband mumbled something was fine I wouldn't be as sure it really was fine as I would be if he sounded more confident. My husband is from a passive aggressive family so it was hard at first for him to be direct with me, and sometimes he's embarassed to say something to me, or doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Or sometimes he gives me not much of an answer that really is all the answer he's capable of (my my husband is far less emotionally self-aware than I am and sometimes he doesn't know how exactly to articulate something or hasn't spent enough time to know exactly what he needs in a particular situation). So in non-emotionally-charged times I'll bring up something, and say he has plenty of time to think about it and I'd appreciate it if he got back to me after he did or if he wanted because of his ADD I can bring it up again after a certain time. He feels way less put on the spot that way and it gives him more time to think. Sometimes I reassure him that even if my feelings would be a little hurt by something he says it's only temporary, and being able to make things right between us is lasting and feels way better than the hurt feelings would hurt.
Also I've rambled a lot and I don't know how to end this so I'll give some random ideas about sex activities? There could be mutual masturbation, or him masturbating after/before you get off. If he masturbates without you but wanted to feel connected to you he could do things behind closed doors and then after, invite you in for some cuddles/kisses/backrubs/whatever to focus on his afterglow. In the non-getting-off realm, sensation play if he likes it could be really neat?
Also I won't be reading replies cause I am irrationally worried of someone not-you making a rude comment, so apologies if you had a question or anything about what I said.
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anonrising2016-07-10 03:31 pm
Re: Uh warning nsfw ish
(Anonymous) 2016-07-28 09:00 am (UTC)(link)I would absolutely recommend that if you've always asked your boyfriend about this type of thing while you're having sex or about to, that you talk with him at a more emotionally neutral time. He could be feeling super pressured, and that's never fun during sex. Or if you've asked him even not during sex but a lot lately, he could get pressured too. Next time you talk I would recommend asking how you can both ensure that he is having maximum fun during sexytimes. Asking if there is more you can do to/for him sexually is a *subset* of that, and asking how he might have more orgasms is a subset of *that*. So my approach would be to prioritize how to ensure that he's having max fun, next priority being if there's more you can do to/for him that doesn't involve orgasms, and then orgasms.
I say it that way because of my perspective in a similar situation. (My and my husband's situation is not the same as your and your boyfriend's situation, so definitely adjust or ignore my advice as needed.) When my husband (cis m) and I (cis f) have sex, I don't get off, and I am so glad my husband stopped being so insistent on me having orgasms and feeling guilty because he couldn't give them to me. I have been getting much more out of it now that we're on the same page about what I want that doesn't involve orgasms. I do think I want them with him eventually, but sex for us is hard due to a multitude of health problems, some emotional, and my getting off with him is going to require a set of sexytime circumstances is just going to take more effort than we've been willing to put in right now. So I'm much happier with how things are now than trying to push it, and sex with him makes me very afterglowy in a way that is better than my on-my-own-orgasms so I'm definitely not getting nothing out of it.
Your boyfriend may want more orgasms. Or maybe he truly is okay with how things are now. Or maybe he is not okay with how things are now but only because you're unhappy, or because he doesn't want more orgasms but he wants more pleasure in other ways. I really hope that you'll be able to have him tell you clearly which it is so that you can go from there. And I'm focusing a lot on his pleasure - I want you to be happy too, non, and not feel guilty or dread sex! I think that might be helped by both of you getting clearly on the same page through talks not during sex, as well as by you not worrying about getting off as end game condition that must be met, every time for both parties, else you are a terrible girlfriend.
If I were in your situation, "discrepancy between the number of orgasms each party has" wouldn't inherently concern me but I would be concerned with him getting "mumbly", "embarassed", and "ending up" saying that things were fine, so that's why I'm approaching it from the direction of getting on the same page. If my husband mumbled something was fine I wouldn't be as sure it really was fine as I would be if he sounded more confident. My husband is from a passive aggressive family so it was hard at first for him to be direct with me, and sometimes he's embarassed to say something to me, or doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Or sometimes he gives me not much of an answer that really is all the answer he's capable of (my my husband is far less emotionally self-aware than I am and sometimes he doesn't know how exactly to articulate something or hasn't spent enough time to know exactly what he needs in a particular situation). So in non-emotionally-charged times I'll bring up something, and say he has plenty of time to think about it and I'd appreciate it if he got back to me after he did or if he wanted because of his ADD I can bring it up again after a certain time. He feels way less put on the spot that way and it gives him more time to think. Sometimes I reassure him that even if my feelings would be a little hurt by something he says it's only temporary, and being able to make things right between us is lasting and feels way better than the hurt feelings would hurt.
Also I've rambled a lot and I don't know how to end this so I'll give some random ideas about sex activities? There could be mutual masturbation, or him masturbating after/before you get off. If he masturbates without you but wanted to feel connected to you he could do things behind closed doors and then after, invite you in for some cuddles/kisses/backrubs/whatever to focus on his afterglow. In the non-getting-off realm, sensation play if he likes it could be really neat?
Re: Uh warning nsfw ish
(Anonymous) 2016-07-28 09:13 am (UTC)(link)Also I won't be reading replies cause I am irrationally worried of someone not-you making a rude comment, so apologies if you had a question or anything about what I said.
Best of luck! <3