As a trans dude with the SAME issue, lemme tell you that you are being ridiculously supportive and he's a lucky guy!
My gf is a cis woman, and while we haven't been intimate yet (LDR) I doubt it will happen until I've had top surgery, because my dysphoria is all top related. (I'm actually kinda content with my junk for the most part)
However. You are NOT a bad gf if he's not ready for you to get hands on with his junk. It's a slow process.
Here's some things to do to help boost his confidence:
Ask about strapons! There are strapons that are actually strapless- Feeldoes- that can give the sensation of not wearing a strapon, and provide pleasure for the wearer as well as the recipient. Also, look into pack-and-plays- packers/STP's that can be used for sex. Ask if him he's comfortable with those. Also, if he's had meta or is planning on it, maybe look into the HotRod from transthetics? http://transthetics.com/the-hot-rod-coming-soon/ it's not out YET but their products are GREAT (expensive, but worth it. I have an EZP from them and it's WONDERFUL for dealing with dysphoria and bathroom issues)
Praise the features he's proud of, but also tell him you appreciate the changes he's undergone. Tell him you love his body, that it turns you on. Tell him it's not just what he DOES for you, but his appearance you find attractive.
That being said- I personally get turned on by touch, by pleasuring others, but I'm still not comfortable with being the recipient. HOWEVER, I still jerk off- HRT for trans men makes the libido go through the roof.
Maybe ask if he'd be willing to jerk off with you in the room? Getting used to having you nearby while he does might help- maybe start off with complimenting how he smells after you both do your thing, how hot he looks when he's flushed after orgasm. Slowly ease him into understanding that you find him attractive, and helping him associate your appreciation with intimacy. The next step might be being in bed while he jerks off- but you touch his chest, kiss his neck, run hands through his hair, etc. Keep your touches above the waist, and see how it goes from there!
Most of all, be patient, and if he honestly isn't okay with it just yet, know that it's NOT your fault, and he likely is very grateful you're being sensitive and attentive to his needs and feelings. His frustrations are at himself, and the best thing to do is keep reassuring him that you find him a wonderful and attractive partner.
Goooddd thank you so much for replying because this was excellent advice and it feels really nice to have a trans person weigh in. I know every person is different but its at least nice to get some kind of perspective from that angle
we do use strapons! which is amazing in itself because I never liked insertion until he warmed me up to it and now its bang bang city lmaoooo. I have not heard of feeldoes tho! that actually sounds super nice considering he's had top surgery and i think most of dysphoria is from his genitals.
I'm actually not sure if he's had meta (or what that is honestly, I get nervous about triggering his dysphoria very often so I don't ask about a lot of things from him although I should down the road some day in case we do get that serious and I would need to know) but I'm going to look it up later today.
I'm so so so grateful you commented because this seems really useful. I haven't been so vocal about praising his features and what not in bed and i don't know why I haven't been but in the perspective you put it, I think it makes total sense and I'm definitely going to try now. I do praise him often in bed but its more for his physical prowess and uh... dexterity LOL but i will start incorporating more attraction mentions because he is an A+ cutie and I should let him know more
Him jerking off with me in the room would be a dream but I feel like we're still kinda far from that but i like your suggestion with above-the-belt so I think I'll do more of that. Its a little harder because he has next to zero sensation in his chest thanks to surgery but I'm going to try some things.
He's very very much a giver in bed and half his sexual gratification comes from me just enjoying myself but the other half is important too so I just get worried. I'm actually on my sharkweek (LOL) right now so I might work on paying attention to him and just lavishing on him. (its hard because he knows all my spots so well so anytime i try to pay attention to him he basically has me down and out by the count of 3)
again, thank you so much for commenting this was sooooo helpful and i truly appreciate it, i'm going to look into other things that we can do but this was an amazing start. I really hope you get your top surgery soon too, friend!
Meta is Metoidioplasty- it's basically a surgery option that's less invasive and cheaper than a phalloplasty. http://www.metoidioplasty.net/ has a lot of good info- as well as resources, if your bf needs them!
Don't be TOO afraid to ask- you can't know what his boundaries are if you avoid the subject all together- then he might think you're just as wary of his junk as he is!
A good way to ask if he's had, or is considering any bottom surgery might be to show him the Rod, or the transthetic pieces- that way you can gently level the question if the Rod or the EZP might work better for him, without directly asking "So what's the situation with your junk."
If he hasn't had surgery, or mentions he's considering it, offer your support. Tell him you've got his back, no matter what he chooses, and that you'll help him with aftercare, should he decide to do so. My gf will be visiting to help take care of me after my top surgery, and knowing that I'll have my loving gf tend to me after such a huge milestone makes me feel like she's really in this for the long haul. (I'm actually going to propose to her next year :X) I'm pretty sure he'd appreciate the gesture as well!
As far as above the waist touching, it doesn't have to just be the sensation! I fully admit when my gf told me she will love running her fingers over my future scars and telling me how beautiful they'll be, it made me giddy. Also, you could always do some ear/neck biting ;D
Also, if he just doesn't want anything sexual, maybe try some body massages, while telling him how much you like his features. Sensuality plus praise is a good way to instil trust and good associations with your touch!
You're SO very welcome, and I hope things work out!
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anonrising2016-07-10 03:31 pm
Re: Uh warning nsfw ish
(Anonymous) 2016-07-28 03:10 pm (UTC)(link)As a trans dude with the SAME issue, lemme tell you that you are being ridiculously supportive and he's a lucky guy!
My gf is a cis woman, and while we haven't been intimate yet (LDR) I doubt it will happen until I've had top surgery, because my dysphoria is all top related. (I'm actually kinda content with my junk for the most part)
However. You are NOT a bad gf if he's not ready for you to get hands on with his junk. It's a slow process.
Here's some things to do to help boost his confidence:
Ask about strapons! There are strapons that are actually strapless- Feeldoes- that can give the sensation of not wearing a strapon, and provide pleasure for the wearer as well as the recipient. Also, look into pack-and-plays- packers/STP's that can be used for sex. Ask if him he's comfortable with those. Also, if he's had meta or is planning on it, maybe look into the HotRod from transthetics? http://transthetics.com/the-hot-rod-coming-soon/ it's not out YET but their products are GREAT (expensive, but worth it. I have an EZP from them and it's WONDERFUL for dealing with dysphoria and bathroom issues)
Praise the features he's proud of, but also tell him you appreciate the changes he's undergone. Tell him you love his body, that it turns you on. Tell him it's not just what he DOES for you, but his appearance you find attractive.
That being said- I personally get turned on by touch, by pleasuring others, but I'm still not comfortable with being the recipient. HOWEVER, I still jerk off- HRT for trans men makes the libido go through the roof.
Maybe ask if he'd be willing to jerk off with you in the room? Getting used to having you nearby while he does might help- maybe start off with complimenting how he smells after you both do your thing, how hot he looks when he's flushed after orgasm. Slowly ease him into understanding that you find him attractive, and helping him associate your appreciation with intimacy. The next step might be being in bed while he jerks off- but you touch his chest, kiss his neck, run hands through his hair, etc. Keep your touches above the waist, and see how it goes from there!
Most of all, be patient, and if he honestly isn't okay with it just yet, know that it's NOT your fault, and he likely is very grateful you're being sensitive and attentive to his needs and feelings. His frustrations are at himself, and the best thing to do is keep reassuring him that you find him a wonderful and attractive partner.
Re: Uh warning nsfw ish
(Anonymous) 2016-07-28 05:18 pm (UTC)(link)Goooddd thank you so much for replying because this was excellent advice and it feels really nice to have a trans person weigh in. I know every person is different but its at least nice to get some kind of perspective from that angle
we do use strapons! which is amazing in itself because I never liked insertion until he warmed me up to it and now its bang bang city lmaoooo. I have not heard of feeldoes tho! that actually sounds super nice considering he's had top surgery and i think most of dysphoria is from his genitals.
I'm actually not sure if he's had meta (or what that is honestly, I get nervous about triggering his dysphoria very often so I don't ask about a lot of things from him although I should down the road some day in case we do get that serious and I would need to know) but I'm going to look it up later today.
I'm so so so grateful you commented because this seems really useful. I haven't been so vocal about praising his features and what not in bed and i don't know why I haven't been but in the perspective you put it, I think it makes total sense and I'm definitely going to try now. I do praise him often in bed but its more for his physical prowess and uh... dexterity LOL but i will start incorporating more attraction mentions because he is an A+ cutie and I should let him know more
Him jerking off with me in the room would be a dream but I feel like we're still kinda far from that but i like your suggestion with above-the-belt so I think I'll do more of that. Its a little harder because he has next to zero sensation in his chest thanks to surgery but I'm going to try some things.
He's very very much a giver in bed and half his sexual gratification comes from me just enjoying myself but the other half is important too so I just get worried. I'm actually on my sharkweek (LOL) right now so I might work on paying attention to him and just lavishing on him. (its hard because he knows all my spots so well so anytime i try to pay attention to him he basically has me down and out by the count of 3)
again, thank you so much for commenting this was sooooo helpful and i truly appreciate it, i'm going to look into other things that we can do but this was an amazing start. I really hope you get your top surgery soon too, friend!
ayrt
(Anonymous) 2016-07-28 06:40 pm (UTC)(link)Meta is Metoidioplasty- it's basically a surgery option that's less invasive and cheaper than a phalloplasty. http://www.metoidioplasty.net/ has a lot of good info- as well as resources, if your bf needs them!
Don't be TOO afraid to ask- you can't know what his boundaries are if you avoid the subject all together- then he might think you're just as wary of his junk as he is!
A good way to ask if he's had, or is considering any bottom surgery might be to show him the Rod, or the transthetic pieces- that way you can gently level the question if the Rod or the EZP might work better for him, without directly asking "So what's the situation with your junk."
If he hasn't had surgery, or mentions he's considering it, offer your support. Tell him you've got his back, no matter what he chooses, and that you'll help him with aftercare, should he decide to do so. My gf will be visiting to help take care of me after my top surgery, and knowing that I'll have my loving gf tend to me after such a huge milestone makes me feel like she's really in this for the long haul. (I'm actually going to propose to her next year :X) I'm pretty sure he'd appreciate the gesture as well!
As far as above the waist touching, it doesn't have to just be the sensation! I fully admit when my gf told me she will love running her fingers over my future scars and telling me how beautiful they'll be, it made me giddy. Also, you could always do some ear/neck biting ;D
Also, if he just doesn't want anything sexual, maybe try some body massages, while telling him how much you like his features. Sensuality plus praise is a good way to instil trust and good associations with your touch!
You're SO very welcome, and I hope things work out!