anonrising | 58. How many glasses has Orca had?

me: gosh i'm so lonely and want to make friends
me, a dumb bitch: but why do i bother when no one wants to stay my friend? they'll get to know me and then start to hate me because i'm a terrible person.
me, making a friend: wow!!!! friendship sure is great!!!!
me, saying something that makes me look desperate and/or clingy to said friend: shit i done fucked up i can never talk to them again
me, an anxious dumb bitch who is apparently determined to ruin friendships: they wouldn't want to talk to me again anyway and i can't blame them. time to distance myself until they forget about me!
me, a dumb bitch that hasn't learned anything: gosh i'm so lonely-

Sounds like me completely, so much so that I feel like I wrote this. I'm sorry nonny :(

AYRT

Ugh. I'm just... trying so hard to get better about this mindset and stop sabotaging my relationships because of it. And I've had this one friendship I've been so determined to put work into and maintain because it's been a real good one for me (like we're usually out and active when we hang out which has helped with my depression; they're someone I can have deep, intellectual conversations with AND be a complete goofball around too; and they're just someone I admire in general anyway) but dumb, emotional me had an outburst today because they had to cancel our (last minute tbh) planned outing today because they had more yard work to do than they initially realized and I was disappointed because I waited 4 hours,ready to go, before they got back to me (they have trouble keeping track of time& didn't even realize how late it was until I told them). And then I tried to backtrack on my outburst and clarify that it was okay, but because text doesn't convey emotions well I probably came off as very passive aggressive and BOY HOWDY IS THE URGE TO CUT THEM OUT OF MY LIFE IS SO STRONG RIGHT NOW even though I know that, logically, that's so stupid. I threw a bit of a tantrum, then embarrassed myself a bit by trying to overcompensate for the tantrum, but that's no reason to throw out a friendship I've managed to keep for going on 18 months now, right? It's not unforgivable... so why do I have to FEEL like they should want to stop the friendship over it? Why do I feel like I can't just apologize for my behavior and just try to move on?

...Because my anxiety tells me they'll only pretend to forgive me and remain my friend only because I'm so pathetic and desperate for friends and they feel bad for me. Even though part of the reason I'm friends with them is because they're so bluntly honest and one of the least fake people I've ever met. So that doesn't even make sense. But I can't get my stupid anxiety to just accept LOGIC for even one goddamn minute.

Sorry for the rambling, I just... don't really have many people to talk to about this kind of stuff. And I probably wouldn't do it off Anon anyway because it sounds so dumb.

SA

I decided to just Suck It Up and apologized. They aren't online right now and might not be again until much later and I'm not sure how they'd react anyway... And who knows. They might decide to not talk to me for a couple days. And maybe my Worst Fear will come true and they won't ever talk to me again. But... but at least I made an effort to not let my anxiety get the better of me and feed into the self-fulfilling prophecy that is my loneliness dilemma.

I struggle with anxiety too, so I sympathize. Good on you for apologizing! I hope everything works out.

Also, I'd strongly suggest finding a therapist/psychiatrist/etc, if you have the means. It's nice to have someone to vent to, and a good therapist can also teach you how to deal with the anxiety. My own anxiety has gotten much more manageable ever since my therapist taught me how to recognize and work through my irrational thoughts.

58. How many glasses has Orca had?

I'm venting a little, don't mind me (OTT)

Re: I'm venting a little, don't mind me (OTT)

Re: I'm venting a little, don't mind me (OTT)

Re: I'm venting a little, don't mind me (OTT)

Re: I'm venting a little, don't mind me (OTT)